Is Listening a Midlife Luxury We Can’t Afford — Or the One Skill We All Need?
The Real Skill You’re Missing: A Conversation with Colin Smith, The Listener
Colin Smith is ‘The Listener’, a listening skills specialist with a passion for changing the way the world listens. His unique presence helps individuals feel heard, think more clearly, and transform their relationships at work and home through deep listening. He works with individuals and teams to develop trust, hold space, and create real connection. Connect with him on Linkedin.
When Silence Hurts More Than Words
Most of us think we’re good listeners. But in reality, we’re often just waiting for our turn to speak.
In a recent episode of the Joy at Work podcast, Lucia Knight sat down with Colin Smith — known simply as The Listener — to explore why being truly heard can shift everything in the workplace, and what’s at stake when listening is ignored.
If you’ve ever felt dismissed in a meeting, zoned out during a conversation, or frustrated by people not “getting it” — this one’s worth leaning into.
The Myth: Listening is a Soft Skill (for HR to Handle)
“Listening has been labelled a soft skill,” Colin explains. “But it’s not soft. It’s a survival skill.”
When people feel heard — really heard — they feel safe, valued, and more willing to speak up. When they don’t? The consequences range from silence and disengagement to disconnection, burnout, and even resignation.
Lucia and Colin describe how the emotional toll of not being listened to shows up in the workplace as:
Lost trust and confidence
Reduced creativity and discretionary effort
A growing sense of invisibility
Silent exits from once-committed employees
And here’s the kicker: most of it is preventable.
Is Listening a Luxury?
In a world of back-to-back meetings, endless notifications, and time-poor managers, Lucia poses the question:
“Is listening just a luxury most of us can’t afford anymore?”
Colin gently challenges that idea. “Once we’ve experienced what it feels like to be truly heard, everything changes. Listening isn’t a luxury — it’s something we all need, more than ever.”
Two Small Experiments That Spark Connection
If listening feels too big, too slow, or too hard — Colin offers two experiments that anyone can try immediately:
1. Don’t Fix. Just Listen.
When someone comes to you with a problem, resist the urge to solve it.
Pause. Stay curious. When they finish speaking, wait a few seconds — and ask, “Is there more?”
You’ll be surprised what happens next.
2. The 5-Minute Thinking Session
Agree to give someone five minutes of uninterrupted attention — no comments, no reactions. Just listening.
Then switch roles. At the end, offer one word of appreciation. Not about performance, but who they were in that moment.
It’s deceptively simple. And deeply powerful.
Want to learn more ways to improve your listening skills? Check out this Joy At Work Experiment.
Listening as Leadership
Whether you’re managing a team, raising a family, or redesigning your own career — listening is foundational.
It’s not about having the right answer. It’s about creating the space for someone else to find theirs.
“When people feel heard,” Colin says, “they think better. They solve their own problems. They walk away committed to their own answer.”
In a world chasing speed, listening slows us down just enough to connect.
And maybe that’s the skill we need most.
Ready to Redesign What Work Feels Like?
If this resonated, you might enjoy Lucia Knight’s 30-minute self-assessment: Derailed.
It’s a guided reflection tool to explore what’s working (and what’s not) in ten key areas of your life and work. A simple first step toward more clarity — and more joy at work.
👉 Take the self-assessment here
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Is Listening a Luxury? A Conversation with Colin Smith, The Listener
[00:00:00] Let’s admit it: most of us are terrible at listening
Lucia Knight: Come on, let's admit it. Most of us are absolutely terrible at listening. We interrupt, we rush to solve problems or we zone out waiting for the moment when we can speak again.
In this episode, myself and Colin D Smith, who is known as the listener, discuss why truly being Herod changes how people show up at work.
The silent damage caused by not listening, and two ridiculously simple practices that deepen connection in seconds. Try these two experiments out with a colleague, your partner, or your child, and see what difference it makes to the quality of your conversation. Let's dive in.
[00:00:54] Meet Colin Smith, “The Listener” – what it feels like to be heard
Lucia Knight: Colin, when we are in the presence of a great listener, what does it feel like?
Colin Smith: That's such a great question and I always am asking that of others.
When you're in the presence of a great listener, what does it feel like? And I've asked that question so many times, but I get a lot of different responses and the sort of things that come up.
And these are the more popular ones. Calm, a feeling of calm, comfortable. I'm able to speak openly. I feel appreciated. I feel supported. I feel understood, I feel important to that person.
But the two that came through as mentioned most, they felt safe and they felt valued. Listening enabled this to happen.
Lucia Knight: And these are all emotions that we would love to feel, and it feels our society isn't necessarily prioritizing those emotions. So this is one way that they can do that.
[00:02:06] The emotional cost of not being listened to
Lucia Knight: Now I'm really interested in the other side of that. So when we are not feeling heard, how does that feel?
Colin Smith: again, there's so many aspects of this, parts of us. Go quiet. Our voice, our confidence. Maybe trust. Trust in them. Trust in the situation, trust in the workplace. Vulnerability. Maybe I'm less willing to share belonging and we all want to belong, although a lot of us will do everything we can to fit in, which means we're compromising some of ourselves to fit in.
So not really belonging agency to really go, hang on a minute. Something not quite right. Maybe I don't say that. And possibility, we lose hope. And I know this sounds a little bit depressing, but a slow drip towards maybe resignation, disconnection, worthlessness, depression, and sadly, in some cases, suicide.
So listening really does matter. It's what we need.
[00:03:28] Is listening a luxury we can’t afford?
Lucia Knight: Okay, so this is a bit of a challenging question, so bearing all that in mind. So we want to feel these emotions. When we're heard, we don't want to feel all of the other emotions when we are not heard or not being truly
listened to. But many of us, including our listeners, you and I probably, but many of us are time poor, struggling to fit in the juggle the busy daily life. I wonder if fully listening to another human being is perhaps a luxury. That most of us can't afford.
Colin Smith: I think it's a fair question. And it could easily feel that way. It's an easy answer. We just don't have time for listening,
Lucia Knight: Yeah.
Colin Smith: but I think it all changes when we have the experience of feeling heard. And how we change and some of the things that we've touched on earlier come through.
And so I believe listening is not a luxury. I think it is needed in today's world, even more than ever.
[00:04:39] Why listening is a leadership superpower
Colin Smith: I think, and people I work with have said, you know what? Since learning about listening. Because there is a big difference between hearing, which is passive. We don't have to do anything and listening, which is active, I have to intend to listen.
They've said it's a superpower and listening is often been put in that box of, oh, it's a soft skill. HR will deal with it. It's not a soft skill, it's a life skill.
If I'm working with young men and young women. Young men, I teach them listening because it's really helpful to connect with the women and the women say, please come and teach this to my husband.
Because we all of us wanna be heard, wanna feel valued, feel that we matter. And for me, companies are people. And so without your people, there is no company.
[00:05:34] The business cost of poor listening: ideas lost, talent gone
Colin Smith: So what's the cost to your business of not listening, losing staff replacement costs? They research shows that people leave because they're not heard by the manager.
Lucia Knight: Yeah. Yeah.
Colin Smith: Loss of ideas and creativity. What's the point of speaking up? Nobody ever takes any notice. The boss comes in and says, we've got a problem. This is what I think we should do. Oh, what do you think? Because they've been to this, the training which says you've gotta ask your people what they think and they go, is anyone gonna say anything that's different?
Rather than, we've got a problem. You are my valued resources. I brought you in for this reason. I wanna know what each and every one of you think 'cause your thinking matters to us.
There's a loss of discretionary effort. What's the point? I've seen it with so many people. I'm doing my best. I've put these ideas up. Nothing happens. Okay. You know what? That's it.
And loss of clients because people go with clients, et cetera.
For efficiency, maybe a question at the start of a meeting, if you haven't got much time, what would be most helpful for you? And one could be, would you want to be hugged?
Which. In the business, but maybe not, but certainly at home to your wife, your children would you like to be hugged, heard, or helped?
Lucia Knight: Yeah.
Colin Smith: most people wanna be heard and as we'll see a little bit later, when you are really heard, you think better, you own your own problems, you solve your own problems.
Lucia Knight: Okay, so it doesn't have to take a lot of time. So we in theory, can afford it. It, it is a luxury that we need to invest in rather than a luxury that we can't afford.
[00:07:26] Two small experiments you can try this week
Lucia Knight: So let's go really practical on that. So if someone is listening and everything you've said has resonated. What tiny little experiment could they try today or this week to allow someone in their world to feel listened to?
Colin Smith: Okay. Two, two quick things for them to do. The first one is don't fix or offer a solution. Listen, be interested in where their thinking may go. Don't interrupt even when you desperately want to. I know I stop when they finish speaking. Wait. Um, Maybe wait some more, three seconds, five seconds, eight seconds.
And notice they're still thinking. And maybe even ask them if they really finished. They usually haven't. Just say, and what more? And don't be surprised when they smile and carry on speaking. Typically, they'll answer their own question.
Thank you for listening and go away. You go.
And invariably, when you try and give them your answer, it's never as good as theirs. So they go away committed and accountable for their answer. That's the first one.
The second one is thinking together at work and with loved ones, including children. Agree a time, save five minutes and each takes your turn.
Agree to the give the other your full attention. Agree not to interrupt or comment and just listen. Ask the name. So Lucia, what would you like to think about? Alright, and you've got five minutes and I look after the five minutes and at the end of the five minutes we switch over and at the end of both of our time offer a word of appreciation.
And start it with Lucia. One thing I appreciate about you today, and I'll do it genuinely, is your aliveness, right? It is. It is 9:00 AM but what I appreciate most is your aliveness. Right now all you have to do is let me take that in and say thank you.
Lucia Knight: Thank you.
Colin Smith: And then you switch it over and you offer that because feedback is about performance, what we do, appreciation is about who you are.
and the sort of things could be I appreciate today your flexibility, your courage, your vulnerability, your diligence, your love, your passion doesn't matter but be succinct, sincere, and specific.
Don't overthink about it. Don't think about it beforehand. Oh, Lucy, I must be able to say this to her today. Sit with it and even ask that question. One thing I appreciate about you is, and just settle and let the word arrive and that's it. They're the two things. Have fun with them.
[00:10:37] Start your redesign journey with Derailed
Lucia Knight: If you enjoyed this, you might also enjoy my life satisfaction assessment. It's a 30 minute program where I guide you through a deep dive into 10 areas of your life to assess what's bringing you joy and what's bringing you down. I call it derai
