Why We Avoid the Connections We Want Most

Many people say they want more connection, then avoid the very practices that would help them build it. Here’s why — and what to try instead.

Ask people in midlife what they want more of, and the answers are strikingly consistent. Connection. Community. Belonging. A sense of being part of something human again.

And yet, when given simple ways to strengthen those very things, many people freeze.

Not because the actions are difficult. Often they’re small, almost deceptively so. A short message. A moment of reflection. A pause to notice who actually matters.

The resistance isn’t logistical. It’s emotional.

When Connection Stops Being Abstract

It’s one thing to say you want “a better network.” That idea can stay comfortably vague. It can live in the future, or in theory.

It’s another thing entirely to name real people. To look honestly at who is in your world, who isn’t anymore, and who you’ve let quietly drift.

That moment — when connection becomes specific — is where discomfort shows up.

Because specificity invites honesty. And honesty has a way of surfacing grief, regret, or shame we didn’t know we were carrying.

The Myths We Tell Ourselves About Networks

Many people believe their network should look a certain way by now. Bigger. More impressive. More “useful.”

So when reality doesn’t match that expectation, self-judgment rushes in.
I should have done better.
I’ve let people down.
I don’t even know who I’d reach out to.

These stories don’t mean anything has gone wrong. They mean you’re human — and that life has been full.

Fear Disguised as Practicality

Listen closely to the reasons people give for avoiding deeper connection, and they often sound reasonable.

“I’m too busy.”
“I need to get clearer first.”
“I don’t want to look foolish.”
“I’ll do it later.”

But underneath those explanations sits something quieter and more powerful: fear.

Fear that connection might actually work.
Fear that it might lead you toward something you want — and then ask you to show up for it.

What Real Human Networks Actually Do

When people are loosely surrounded by even a small group of humans who care about them, something shifts.

They remember who they are.
They take braver steps.
They open doors for one another without being asked.

These aren’t transactional contacts. They’re living relationships. And they don’t appear by accident.

They’re built through attention, repetition, and small acts of courage.

Start Smaller Than You Think

You don’t need a strategy. You don’t need a plan. You don’t need clarity about where you’re going.

You need one human.

Someone you’ve worked with. Someone you respect. Someone who mattered once — and might still.

Send a short message. A kindness droplet. A reminder that they exist in your memory.

That single act doesn’t just strengthen a relationship. It reminds you that you belong.

Connection Is a Practice, Not a Personality Trait

Belonging isn’t something you earn by being more confident or more impressive.

It’s something you practice — especially when you feel unsure.

And the quiet truth is this: the network you’re avoiding is often the one that can carry you forward.

Curious What Joy at Work Might Look Like for You?

Whether you’re wrestling with loyalty, craving a change you can’t yet name, or simply wondering if it’s too late to do something more meaningful—this story is proof that clarity is possible.

🔗 Explore how you can begin your own career redesign journey: Work With Lucia

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Why We Avoid the Connections We Want Most
[00:00:00] When One Masterclass Gets Avoided
This is the Joy at Work podcast, and I'm Lucia Knight This week I've got a new experiment for you to try, but firstly, let me share a little insight on something that's been quietly banging around in my brain this morning while I've been refining materials for one of my quarterly masterclasses for clients.
Now, here's what usually happens with these masterclasses. Every single client shows up, or if life gets in the way, or time zones don't match, they catch the recording. Why? Because they work, they've been evidence tested, results tweaked and experimented into shape over years. These masterclasses are practical, grounded, and they bring more joy to your work life, if you try them.
But there's one exception, just one. It's the only masterclass I offer with low client attendance, and I don't mean slightly lower, I mean dramatically lower. At last count, just 20% of clients took part. The masterclass is called Advanced Networking Like a Midlife Human. And it follows on from the Foundational Masterclass Network Like a Midlife Human, which has a hundred percent attendance and rave reviews.
That class helps people reframe the way they think about their network, not as a means to an end that you go off and ask for help when you need a job, but as a living, breathing group of humans, you know, like and respect.
But the advanced class is the only class which has two pre-entry requirements.
The first clients need to draw their network and share it with me. Yes, draw it with boxes, arrows, colored pens, doodles, whatever works for them. I guide them through it step by step. But still it asks something that feels a bit vulnerable.
The second pre-entry requirement is that they need to have practiced the five minute exercises from the foundational class and be ready to share what they've discovered.
It's simple, but it's also confronting.
[00:02:40] Why Drawing Your Network Feels Vulnerable
So me being me, I asked clients why they weren't coming, and they told me. I feel embarrassed by how small my network is. I feel ashamed, I haven't looked after my people. I can't even remember who I used to love working with. I meant to do the exercises, but I didn't. I can't draw for toffee and I don't want to look silly in front of the others. I'm still finding the basics hard. I want to know my new direction before I start networking.
And to all of that. I say, yeah, I get it. This is important work. Tender work and it pokes at places we'd rather leave unexamined. But when I zoom out and listen between the lines of all of those reasons, what I really hear is fear.
Fear that building and acknowledging a truly human network might actually work. Fear that it might lead them straight to what they've been quietly wanting all along.
Here's something I see again and again.
[00:04:00] What People Say They Want Most
In our very first week together, I asked all clients to write down at a really basic level what they want more of.
Nearly every time, the answers circle back to some version of connection, community, belonging, security, fun. A tribe, a team, their people. And yet, when given the tools and structure to build that very thing, we sometimes freeze. It's so human.
Why? Because unfamiliar territory triggers our inner protectors. We default to what's urgent instead of what's important. We default to what's right in front of us instead of our longer term dreams. And here's what I know from doing this work with hundreds of midlife humans.
[00:05:06] The Shift That Happens When You’re Not Alone
When we are surrounded even loosely by a small group of humans we care about, who care about us, something shifts.
We remember who we are. We feel seen and heard. We are braver. We take chances. We open doors for each other. That didn't seem to exist before. These aren't networking contacts. These are real live human beings. Our kind of humans who move mountains when they know we need help. Who whisper our name in rooms we've never even been in who remember our weirdest superpower and tell others about it and note this kind of community does not happen by accident.
It happens when you are brave enough to decide who your special people are and to keep showing up for those special people, the human beings, you know, like and respect again and again and again.
[00:06:17] A Tiny Experiment in Reconnection
But maybe you are sitting there thinking I'm wrong and I might very well be wrong. Maybe my clients are just tired.
That would be fair. This whole joy at work business asks a lot of midlife humans, but if there is even a small part of you that lights up at the idea of being part of a meaningful human web across industries, across countries, across time, then I want you to try something today.
Your experiment this week is to reach out to one person in your world, someone you've worked with at any time in the past, someone you know, like and respect.
Send them a tiny, teeny, tiny short message, a kindness droplet. Tell them you remember them. Tell them you appreciate them. Tell them they matter to you. That's it, because when you do that, something beautiful happens. You're keeping the world of joy spinning at work and way beyond.
If you'd like your next year or decade of work to be more enjoyable than your last, check out the show notes for the only three work-life redesign programs on offer, and I'd love to see you in my advanced classes.

Forget “networking” in midlife, do this instead.